When you love someone it is hard to watch them self distruct, to watch them tear themself apart and not say anything. For the first few months, I tried to be supportive, I was basically left i nthe dark but stood by and just watched as he let the pain of his past cause such self distruction. And all I could do was offer myself as a support system until he trusted me enough to open up about the pain and hurt. And I understood that he deserved that time, but watching him drink his pain away every night hurts me. And it is just making me want to push away more and more lately.
Every night, I dread watching him fill his cup with more and more alcohol. To watch him chug the alcohol, it just makes me worry that I'm doing things wrong because I can't help him through this hard time.
I really don't know what to do. I love him so much, but it really scares me to see him drink like this every night. This is such a lifestyle for him. He doesn't know how to vent his pain, the only way for him to out source his pain is to drink.
He's just pushing me away. And just makes me question a lot. Question lots of what he tells me. Question what to believe. Question how close to get. Most importantly, question how much longer to care.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Strength
About a month ago, I got a gym membership with my boyfriend. And I told myself that I would go at all costs. And I find myself losing a few pounds here and there, and now that my boyfriend isn't going anymore, I'm making every excuse in the book as to not wanting to go to the gym anymore. But the whole reason to going to the gym was to make a life style change for myself. Who cares if Brandon doesn't want to go. That's his choice that he doesn't want to get healthy.
Brandons birthday is towards the end of April, and I am planning this huge celebration in Las Vegas, so my biggest goal is to be looking good by the time that I get there. So, from today, I have 15 weeks. That's 105 days to loose the weight that I need.
I think the thing that made me realize that I don't need Brandon to make these changes and that I can do this on my own is that I watched for the first time "I used to be fat" on MTV today. That's an amazing show. There was a girl that lost 90 pounds in 15 weeks. And I'm not even wanting to lose that much. I'm wanting to lose like 30-40 pounds in that amount of time.
It is possible. And I'm going to make it possible. It would make it so much easier if the man that I'm living with and sharing my life with would do it with me like he said he wanted to, but I have enough self confidence in myself, to know that I can do this myself.
The future is looking bright. And I am happy to be doing this for myself.
Brandons birthday is towards the end of April, and I am planning this huge celebration in Las Vegas, so my biggest goal is to be looking good by the time that I get there. So, from today, I have 15 weeks. That's 105 days to loose the weight that I need.
I think the thing that made me realize that I don't need Brandon to make these changes and that I can do this on my own is that I watched for the first time "I used to be fat" on MTV today. That's an amazing show. There was a girl that lost 90 pounds in 15 weeks. And I'm not even wanting to lose that much. I'm wanting to lose like 30-40 pounds in that amount of time.
It is possible. And I'm going to make it possible. It would make it so much easier if the man that I'm living with and sharing my life with would do it with me like he said he wanted to, but I have enough self confidence in myself, to know that I can do this myself.
The future is looking bright. And I am happy to be doing this for myself.
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